This is to Sheffield Wednesday Football Club, and a very sombre, scary serious reply:
From: doctordukeguy 'at' googlemail dot com
Date: Sun, Aug 16, 2009 at 1:46 PM
Subject: Special requirements for match day
Dear Enquires of SWFC,
I am planning on attending the glorious stadia of Hillsborough, where I am told that the team Sheffield Wednesday reside at on home fixtures. However, I have a unique attribute that I am forewarning you of before I purchase my tickets. I am asking this because I would need assurances that everything within your remit is prepared and available on the day of my attendance.
My problem is that I bear an uncanny, twin-like, doppelganger resemblance to your ex-chairman Dave Allen. I have received many comments on this resemblance - not always complimentary either, I can assure you of that.
However, I do not feel that my appearances should hold me back from doing things that I enjoy, one of them being attending football matches whenever I am in a new city (I travel around the country as part of my occupation). The reason I am writing you is to ask you whether you can provide at least 2 stewards and/or a police escort to my seat in the "Kop" end (where I would like to sit). I would also require constant security during the game in progress, and additional security on my egress from the ground (I would envisage that staffing levels will be variable; depending on the result of the game)
I'm sure that a professional outfit like yourself can accommodate my request, and I have been told that the people of Sheffield and the staff and employ in Hillsborough have always willing and gracious to help and assist as much as humanly possible.
If a posse of personal stewards and/or a police escort is not possible - then can you suggest any other alternatives? I believe that you also have private boxes; could I be seated there? If it helps, I will wear a baseball cap and a fake moustache, although I have tried this before and it has only exacerbated the problem when I have been invariably recognised as being Mr D.Allen (strangely, we also share a passion for pigeons WE ARE NOT RELATED).
Doctor Duke Guy
From: John Rutherford john.rutherford@[removed].com
Date: Mon, Aug 17, 2009 at 4:20 PM
Subject: Special requirements
To: doctordukeguy 'at' googlemail dot com
Thank you for your message the contents of which are noted.
Please note that the Club cannot provide the personal protection that you have requested.
Should you choose to attend the match you must provide your own close personal protection and must purchase valid match tickets for yourself and any close protection personnel that attend with you.
Please note that any close protection staff that attend with you must be licensed through the SIA, and must carry with them their SIA close protection badge. I would prefer advance notice if you attend with a close protection team in order that I may brief my Safety Team and the Police commander.
Corporate boxes are available from £1,000 (+VAT) per match for a party of up to 10 people. Please let me know if you wish to pursue this option and I will ask our commercial department to contact you with further details.
Should your presence in the Stadium present any crowd control or public order issues the Club reserves the right to ask you and your support to leave the stadium and failure to comply with the request to leave may result in your ejection from the stadium.
Any request for Police resources should be made direct to South Yorkshire Police (SYP), and I would expect SYP to charge you for any resources that they make available to you.
Stadium Operations Manager
Sheffield Wednesday FC