Monday, 17 August 2009

Sheffield Wednesday

This is to Sheffield Wednesday Football Club, and a very sombre, scary serious reply:

From: doctordukeguy 'at' googlemail dot com
Date: Sun, Aug 16, 2009 at 1:46 PM
Subject: Special requirements for match day
To: enquiries@[removed]

Dear Enquires of SWFC,

I am planning on attending the glorious stadia of Hillsborough, where I am told that the team Sheffield Wednesday reside at on home fixtures. However, I have a unique attribute that I am forewarning you of before I purchase my tickets. I am asking this because I would need assurances that everything within your remit is prepared and available on the day of my attendance.

My problem is that I bear an uncanny, twin-like, doppelganger resemblance to your ex-chairman Dave Allen. I have received many comments on this resemblance - not always complimentary either, I can assure you of that.

However, I do not feel that my appearances should hold me back from doing things that I enjoy, one of them being attending football matches whenever I am in a new city (I travel around the country as part of my occupation). The reason I am writing you is to ask you whether you can provide at least 2 stewards and/or a police escort to my seat in the "Kop" end (where I would like to sit). I would also require constant security during the game in progress, and additional security on my egress from the ground (I would envisage that staffing levels will be variable; depending on the result of the game)

I'm sure that a professional outfit like yourself can accommodate my request, and I have been told that the people of Sheffield and the staff and employ in Hillsborough have always willing and gracious to help and assist as much as humanly possible.

If a posse of personal stewards and/or a police escort is not possible - then can you suggest any other alternatives? I believe that you also have private boxes; could I be seated there? If it helps, I will wear a baseball cap and a fake moustache, although I have tried this before and it has only exacerbated the problem when I have been invariably recognised as being Mr D.Allen (strangely, we also share a passion for pigeons WE ARE NOT RELATED).

Your Sincerely,
Doctor Duke Guy
From: John Rutherford john.rutherford@[removed].com
Date: Mon, Aug 17, 2009 at 4:20 PM
Subject: Special requirements
To: doctordukeguy 'at' googlemail dot com

Doctor Guy,

Thank you for your message the contents of which are noted.

Please note that the Club cannot provide the personal protection that you have requested.

Should you choose to attend the match you must provide your own close personal protection and must purchase valid match tickets for yourself and any close protection personnel that attend with you.

Please note that any close protection staff that attend with you must be licensed through the SIA, and must carry with them their SIA close protection badge. I would prefer advance notice if you attend with a close protection team in order that I may brief my Safety Team and the Police commander.

Corporate boxes are available from £1,000 (+VAT) per match for a party of up to 10 people. Please let me know if you wish to pursue this option and I will ask our commercial department to contact you with further details.

Should your presence in the Stadium present any crowd control or public order issues the Club reserves the right to ask you and your support to leave the stadium and failure to comply with the request to leave may result in your ejection from the stadium.

Any request for Police resources should be made direct to South Yorkshire Police (SYP), and I would expect SYP to charge you for any resources that they make available to you.

John Rutherford
Stadium Operations Manager
Sheffield Wednesday FC

BMW Direct

Today, it's off to BMW to find out if we can roll back to the olden days and exchange goods for goods, instead of money:

From: Doctor Duke Guy
Date: 2009/8/6
Subject: new car request


Firstly, I would like to congratulate BMW as a whole - you sure do make some sexy looking cars. Unfortuntely, however much I would like one of your staid motor carriages - neither my finances, nor my many prayers to multiple religions and dieties have allowed me to ever obtain ownership of such a work of art.

So, what I would like to suggest is a swap deal, my art for yours.

I have eclosed a picture I have created myself, which I am giving you full copyright and ownership of.

In return, please send me a BMW Z4.


Doctor Duke Guy

[attached image]

From: Customer.Information@[removed].com
Date: 2009/8/10
Subject: New car request
To: doctordukeguy 'at' googlemail dot com

Dear Dr Guy

Thank you for your email enquiry to BMW Customer Information. Thank you also for your kind comments about the BMW marque.

I am sorry that your prayers have remained unanswered to the various deities. In general terms, hard cash can work miracles whether for an outright purchase or under one of the many financial schemes offered by BMW.

To fulfil your request, I am enclosing a Z4 which you will be able to build yourself. Thank you for offering BMW full ownership and copyright of your picture.

I trust the little exercise of building your own BMW will bring you some pleasure but if you should wish to purchase or finance a BMW, please do not hesitate to contact me or your nearest BMW Dealership who can be identified via the BMW dealer locator facility on our website. I have included a link to this facility for your convenience:,,___,00.html

Yours sincerely

BMW Group UK
Elfriede McNeal
Customer Information Advisor
Ellesfield Avenue
Tel: 0800 325600
Fax: 0870 5050 206

(attached was a word document, I have recreated it below)

Please cut around the edges of the image, being careful not to go over the lines, then glue the tags (indicated as squares with a dot in them).

For this you shall need:

* scissors - we recommend supervision by an adult
* Glue or adhesive tape

Optional equipment:

* Felt tips or colouring pencils
* A photograph of yourself

Sports Direct

From: Doctor Duke Guy
Date: 2009/7/28
Subject: GUY 28/07/2009
To: stores.customerservices@[removed].com


Firstly, thanks for a great store - if I need something related to sports, and I need it direct - then I know exactly where I am going - SPORTS DIRECT. It's in the name.

While I would like to wax lyrical about your multi-faceted world of sporting goodness, I'm afraid I have to stop in my tracks and inform you of an incident I was unfortunate to be involved in just recently.

While visiting the Blackpool incarnation of SPORTS DIRECT (FY1 4QZ) - I purchased a number of items, one of which were a pair of 'Adidas F50 Replique Shin Guards'. The purchase went through, abeit not very smoothly (the cashier didn't know how the magic bar-code zapper worked) and I exited your shop without an element of disgruntlement...that was soon to change when I returned home (I do not live in Blackpool, might I add).

I checked the pair of 'Adidas F50 Replique Shin Guards' for comfort and fit. To my horror of horrors, the security tag was still attached to the ankles of both shin guards, effectively tying them together. Of course, I don' t have a license for a security tag removing device - and they are quite clearly designed to stay on the garments.

So I have 2 questions:

1) Do you think that you should re-examine the usefulness of security tags, seeing as I walked out of the Blackpool SPORTS DIRECT (FY1 4QZ) with a tag still on an item without being acosted by your highly trained staff?

2) What kind of compensation will I receive for this error on your part? As you can appreciate - my football skills have depreciated markedly since I've had both ankles tethered together via the shin guards and the security tag.

Thanks in advance,

Doctor Duke Guy

PS - I have no receipt, and I threw away all the packaging.
From: stores customerservices
Date: 2009/7/31
Subject: RE: GUY 28/07/2009
To: Doctor Duke Guy

Dear Doctor Duke,

Thank you for your email.

our most sincere apologies to you for failing to remove a security tag from your purchase at our Blackpool store. As you probably know, we have the most competitive prices possible in our stores, and one area in which we try to keep prices down is in controlling store theft, by extensive use of these security tags, and innovative placing of them. This has on occasion caused problems when our cashier’s fail to locate them, and so we are currently in the process on installing detector pads in all our cash desks, but not all stores are yet equipped with this technology.

Following your complaint we have instigated a further review of our cashier training in respect of de-tagging purchases

I hope you will have sufficient confidence in us to continue to offer us your custom, and if you would like to take this letter with you to our store on your next visit, and introduce yourself to our store manager, he will offer you further apologies on behalf of his staff, and a discount off your next purchase as a gesture of our goodwill.

Once again, many apologies.

Kind Regards

S Massey
Sports Direct Customer Services

Cadburys Curly Wurly

First up, an email to Cadburys Chocolate via their website with a concern about everyone's childhood favourite the 'Curly Wurly':


Just the other day past, I walked into a generic shop for some wares. I decided, as the canny shop-owner has no doubt pre-envisaged, to purchase a "Curly-Wurly" as they were conveniently placed near the payment counter.

Imagine my disappointment as I closed in on said chocolate delight; as I thought it was much further away from me than it was...could this be an optical illusion? No, unfortunately it was not - the sticky tangle of chocolate and toffee was actually tiny in my hands.

Can you please confirm that the C.Wurly has depreciated in volume over the years? As if not, and the curly-wurly I remember from a decade ago is the same in shape, size and stature to the one I came across that unforgettable morrow...then I fear I am suffering from some form of gigantism, and would require immediate medical attention.

Yours Worryingly,

Doctor Duke Guy


From: consumer.relations1@[removed].com
Date: 2009/7/28
Subject: Re: 1541496A
To: doctordukeguy 'at' googlemail dot com

Thank you for your recent email in which you express concern about Cadbury Curly Wurly.

Most confectionery products have developed over many years and market research will sometimes indicate that minor changes to the way a product is produced will further enhance the flavour and therefore become more popular as a result.

In this instance however, no significant changes have been made to Cadbury Curly Wurly size. Cadbury values comments from our consumers and we thank you for taking the time and trouble to contact us.


Welcome to my world, my aim is to see if I can get replies from companies around the world in response to some of the stupidest requests I can muster.

As you will see, some take this in the right way - others, not so much (see the S.W.F.C as an example). But all in all, I'm looking to inject a little randomness into some poor soul on the end of the endless requests and questions that are no doubt pouring into their generic inboxes.

The advent of email and the internet has no doubt meant that if someone wanted to complain about something, then they can do it more easily than ever before. I for one, know that I have never been arsed to write an actual letter to any company...but the dawn of www. has given even the slovenly the chance to air grievances.

Enjoy! And if you've got any ideas for companies or subjects for Doctor DukeGuy to use - email doctordukeguy "at" googlemail dot com.