Monday, 17 August 2009

BMW Direct

Today, it's off to BMW to find out if we can roll back to the olden days and exchange goods for goods, instead of money:

From: Doctor Duke Guy
Date: 2009/8/6
Subject: new car request


Firstly, I would like to congratulate BMW as a whole - you sure do make some sexy looking cars. Unfortuntely, however much I would like one of your staid motor carriages - neither my finances, nor my many prayers to multiple religions and dieties have allowed me to ever obtain ownership of such a work of art.

So, what I would like to suggest is a swap deal, my art for yours.

I have eclosed a picture I have created myself, which I am giving you full copyright and ownership of.

In return, please send me a BMW Z4.


Doctor Duke Guy

[attached image]

From: Customer.Information@[removed].com
Date: 2009/8/10
Subject: New car request
To: doctordukeguy 'at' googlemail dot com

Dear Dr Guy

Thank you for your email enquiry to BMW Customer Information. Thank you also for your kind comments about the BMW marque.

I am sorry that your prayers have remained unanswered to the various deities. In general terms, hard cash can work miracles whether for an outright purchase or under one of the many financial schemes offered by BMW.

To fulfil your request, I am enclosing a Z4 which you will be able to build yourself. Thank you for offering BMW full ownership and copyright of your picture.

I trust the little exercise of building your own BMW will bring you some pleasure but if you should wish to purchase or finance a BMW, please do not hesitate to contact me or your nearest BMW Dealership who can be identified via the BMW dealer locator facility on our website. I have included a link to this facility for your convenience:,,___,00.html

Yours sincerely

BMW Group UK
Elfriede McNeal
Customer Information Advisor
Ellesfield Avenue
Tel: 0800 325600
Fax: 0870 5050 206

(attached was a word document, I have recreated it below)

Please cut around the edges of the image, being careful not to go over the lines, then glue the tags (indicated as squares with a dot in them).

For this you shall need:

* scissors - we recommend supervision by an adult
* Glue or adhesive tape

Optional equipment:

* Felt tips or colouring pencils
* A photograph of yourself


  1. Dieties? Are they related to Jenny Craig?

  2. That was seriously the best shit I have read in a long time. I hope you cut and pasted and it's now on your mantle, gleaming with pride and love. Amazing!

  3. Hilarious. I think they undervalued your picture.